These last few weeks have been such a challenge. We are all scared, worried and have a good dose of cabin fever. Not the ideal state we want to be in when trying to get work done while home-schooling our little ones. And then there is THEIR behaviour. How do we navigate all of this stress and anxiety without completely losing it with our kids?
As a behaviour analyst with almost a decade’s worth of experience, I am given to favor intentional parenting with an emphasis on clear expectations with respect to consequences, consistent enforcement of the rules and ensuring that all environmental influences be carefully managed to ensure “good behaviour.” Now, this all sounds like a lot of work doesn’t it? In fact, many of the parents with whom I have been in contact over the years trust and attempt to apply these behaviour analytic skills with varying degrees of success, but often cease, citing the time and effort it takes as one of the main barriers to continued implementation, despite the successes they see. So, how can we support parents on a daily basis to raise not only well-behaved kids, but to raise emotionally intelligent, resilient and kind children?Mindful parenting has enjoyed more and more attention and despite many efforts, there just isn’t much information on how to achieve this on a daily basis. Luckily, you found this blog!
In this series, we will discuss mindfulness in general and move on to more specific features of parenting mindfully and some practical tips.
What is mindfulness?
Mindfulness finds its roots situated in traditional Buddhist philosophy dating as far back as the fourth century. It is held as one of the fundamental characteristics required on the path to Enlightenment. As the Western psychology begins to adopt more Eastern philosophies and ideologies, the definition of mindfulness has been adapted to suit our more secular sensibilities. In short, as defined by one of the pioneers of mindfulness research Kabat-Zinn, as “… the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment by moment.”
This all sounds good and well, but what does it mean at a practical level? Let’s break it down. To be mindful means to be:
- Aware
Pay attention to what is occurring in your external environment, as well as your thoughts and emotions as they occur.
The aim here is to become observe, describe and become aware of what is happening in, and around us, as it happens. Present moment awareness further allows us to note that these thoughts, and feelings are fleeting and change from moment to moment.
We are so often singularly focused on what is going to happen next, that we rarely ever pay attention to what is happening right now. Always moving on to the next thing, the next worry, the next task or the next notification.
- Non-judgemental
Ah, now this is the hard one. We are wired to make split second judgements and decisions based on these judgements to maintain forward motion. We are also relentlessly critical of ourselves, our responses and what is happening outside of us; focusing on how things should be versus how they are. This extends to our interactions with those around us, and especially our children. They are, after all, a reflection of our success as parents. Right? Right?!
- Accepting
When we are mindful, we are paying attention, without judging and observing what is happening in and around us without trying to change it. Now, this doesn’t mean that we are happy with what is going on, or condoning it. The goal here is to remove the tension we experience by wanting to change either what is happening around us, or wanting to escape the negative emotions we might be experiencing in the moment. This all takes up a LOT of our cognitive resources. By accepting what is, we free up space in our to choose our response to it, rather than reacting on autopilot. The word “response” is intentional here – when we respond, we are taking an intentional course of action to address the situation in front of us to achieve the outcome we would like. Contrast this with “reacting” – often knee-jerk, and immediate without regard for the situation itself, but designed to alleviate the immediate stress facing us.
Yes, but …
How does becoming mindful help me be a better parent?
Research has shown time and again that just by practicing intra-personal mindfulness (i.e. just within ourselves, without extending this to others), we already reduce the stress and anxiety that has become our default state of being. When we are less anxious and less stressed, we focus our energy on paying attention and accepting a situation and we become lesson prone to knee-jerk reactions that wrack us with guilt later on.
Daily challenge: Catch yourself paying attention, and becoming aware of your responses without being judgemental today. Let me know how it goes in the comments!
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