Last week we spoke about the first two pillars of mindfulness: Acceptance and Awareness. We also discovered that there might be more going on with our kids when we parent on “autopilot.” So, where do we go from here, now that we are paying attention and becoming aware of the other factors that might lead to challenges?
Oftentimes, when we parent on autopilot, we make snap judgments on where the behavior is coming from, what it means and how we want to react to it. Consider for a moment a time when your little one did something completely unacceptable, like hitting you. What was your first response? I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t “Oh, she hit me. Okay, she is probably dysregulated and doesn’t know how to tell me she is feeling overwhelmed.” In fact, I’m willing to bet that it was more along the lines of “How dare she hit me? That’s personal, I can’t believe she would do that to me! She must think she’s the boss of me. I’ll show her!”
Phew. There’s a lot going on there.
Let’s take a moment to pay attention and become aware of the thoughts and feelings that pass through our minds in that moment. When a child does something that we have been socialized and conditioned to find unacceptable, we have thoughts about it. We may think that we failed in teaching them the right way, that we are bad parents. We could also think that the behavior was intentional and purposeful.
Now here’s the thing – our emotions don’t inform our thoughts. Quite the opposite, in fact. Our thoughts create our feelings. Take a look at the thought and the feelings it might lead to:
“How dare she hit me? That’s personal, I can’t believe she would do that to me! She must think she’s the boss of me. I’ll show her!”
- Frustration
- Anger
- Hurt
What is challenging us here, is not the behaviour itself, but rather how we are judging the situation, ourselves as parents, and our kids. We may think of the situation as a symptom of poor parenting, and feel embarrassed or guilty. We might judge our little one as being “impossible” and a “bad kid”, bringing us to perhaps fear for future behaviour, or come back to having failed to parent our kids correctly. This can hold true even when we are practicing acceptance and awareness. While we might recognize that we are having these thoughts and feelings when stepping back and checking in with ourselves, we are likely to judge ourselves for having these thoughts and feelings in the first place. Neither of these situations are helpful, and they lead to piling on more emotions. This is not to say that your thoughts and feelings are not valid – they are! But are they helpful in that moment? This is why the third pillar of mindfulness is crucial.
Non-judgment and Non-reactivity
Practicing acceptance and awareness is not helpful in the least if we are just going to keep piling on thoughts and feelings by ascribing a certain meaning to the situation or ourselves and our kids.
What is helpful to realize is that thoughts and feelings are not inherently good or bad. They just are. It is our judgement of these thoughts and feelings that result in reactivity, and further negative thoughts. Instead, it is far more beneficial to refrain from making a judgement in that moment. One of the ways that I have found most useful to do this is to narrate what is going on, and omitting any emotive language when doing so. Analyze what is happening in the moment.
When we move to a more concrete and rational activity such as analyzing or counting, it helps us to move away from the emotional, reactive side of our brains and into the more rational, responsive side; away from judgement. By stepping back from our thoughts and feelings, and from judging the situation, it is easier to view it objectively and look at what is happening with our little one. It allows us to see what is happening in their little world more clearly and allows us to guide them through what is going on with empathy and compassion.
In most cases, it is important to know that most troublesome behaviors are completely normal. Children are curious and will push boundaries. They lack the insight to predict what might happen when they do, whether the boundaries are physical or inter-personal. Emotionally, they are also still learning how to regulate their behavior and emotions and rely on us to guide them through difficult emotions. When we are on autopilot and judging, it is exceptionally difficult to meet this need in a caring and compassionate manner. The folks at the Center on the Developing Child over at Harvard has a wonderful post explaining the skills and supports children need to develop them here (https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-) and here: (https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/what-is-executive-function-and-how-does-it-relate-to-child-development/).
So, how do we switch off the part of us that automatically judges? Naturally, step one is to pay attention to our thoughts and feelings. We can only make the decision not to judge when we become aware that we are doing so. The second step is to recognize these thoughts and feelings as fleeting, like clouds in the sky. When we realize that these thoughts and feelings are not going to last, it makes it seem less logical to spend time and energy judging them. Not judging these thoughts and feelings allows us instead to shift our focus to what is going on inside our little ones, that they need help with. It means that we are no longer fighting the situation and allowing it to be what it is – a teachable moment. This would help us to get closer to the first train of thought: “Oh, she hit me. Okay, she is probably dysregulated and doesn’t know how to tell me she is feeling overwhelmed.”
When we are present in the moment, without judgement or trying to change the situation, we become able to parent our children with compassion, meet their needs and instill the values that we would like them to embody.
Daily Challenge: What are some judgments you have made about difficult situations with your littlies today?
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