How often do you get a one-line response when trying to engage your teenager in a conversation? Most, if not all, parents of teens have a hard time getting their teenager to just talk to them. This is in part due to a learning history that we have developed with them. When they were younger, did we listen to and remember the details of the little things they told us? Did we allow them to express their opinions and work through emotional situations without “fixing”? Listening is one of the key skills we need to develop when establishing the lines of communication. By the time our kids reach their teen years, they have already learned whether or not they will be heard when they speak to us.
This can be problematic. Having an open line of communication with our teens benefits them in so many ways. It fosters a closer bond between parent and child, which we know is a crucial protective factor in resilience. It also alerts us to stressors that our adolescents may be facing – bullying, academic stress and burnout, body and self-image concerns. Being alerted early on helps us to jump in far sooner to address burnout, anxiety and depression. It also allows for better monitoring of where our teens are, who they are with and what they are doing. This can dramatically decrease unnecessary risk-taking behaviours.
How do we reverse this learning history? The short answer is, we don’t. The long answer is, by creating a new learning history. Bear in mind that this will take time and commitment on our part. Whether you are seeing the first inclinations of our teens or tweens to divulge less information, or whether you have an established pattern of one-word responses, it is possible to overwrite the learning history and create a new one.
The first step to doing this, is to model sharing. And by this, I mean sharing about your day, talking about thoughts and ideas, or just general situations that have come up for you. Avoid sharing intimate details that would not be appropriate for your teenager to be privy to, such as the state of your marriage or finances – this places them in the position of feeling responsible for fixing it. This is 100% not their job. Keep your parenting hat on, but model openness and communication.
The second step is to listen when they speak. And I mean, really listen. Not listening to give advice, not listening to “fix”, and definitely not listening to pass judgement.Listening to the little things, remembering them, and then following up on it will open the communication channel. When they start trusting us with the little bits of information, you will see some of the bigger pieces of information filtering through. Whether it is in quietly telling you about their day or ranting and raving about a perceived injustice.
Keep in mind how you got there – just by listening. They do not want, or need, us to jump in with helpful tips, our opinions, or experiences. They just need a safe place to air out their concerns and frustrations. Interrupting with helpful advice can unwittingly send the message that their problem or frustration is “old hat”, uninteresting or not that big of a deal. It can immediately shut the door to further sharing and communication. Obviously, this is what we do not want to happen. While we may have some thoughts and feelings about what they are sharing, it is best to note them, and then bank them for later. Our first job is just to listen. So how do we listen actively?
Active listening involves paying attention to what is being said, without interrupting or offering advice, and taking the time to understand what is being said. It can also involve asking some questions to draw out additional information or paying attention to facial expressions and body language to enhance our understanding.
- Establish trust and rapport
When they feel safe in the knowledge that whatever they tell us will be respected and held in confidence, they are more likely to share the big things with us. This means that we need to let them know that they can trust us to keep their confidence. And then stick to it. While it may be tempting to share interesting little tidbits with friends or family, this can cause the trust relationship irreparable harm. Even if it is not really meaningful in the grander scheme, when we break their trust, our teens clam up.
2. Demonstrate concern.
You can do this vocally, with gestures, or physical touch. When our teen shares something that was upsetting to them, we can demonstrate concern by saying “I’m sorry, that must have been hard” or by showing concern through our body language and facial expressions. If our teens allow it, a hug or touching their shoulder could also be helpful. You can use any of these alone, or in combination – you are the expert on your teen.
3. Paraphrase to demonstrate understanding.
Paraphrasing can be tricky, especially if you do not want to sound like a therapist. You can paraphrase more organically by matching their emotion and tone – mirroring is a helpful technique to demonstrate that you are on the same side. You can also change your intonation so that it comes across as a question to confirm that what you are hearing is correct. By paraphrasing, we can clear up any misunderstanding and also demonstrate that we are paying attention.
4. Ask Clarifying Questions
Asking clarifying questions can help your teen to feel like you really care about what they are saying. Be careful not to pepper them with questions and find an appropriate moment to ask the question.
Pro-tip: You can use brief verbal affirmations and nonverbal gestures while listening to encourage your teen to keep sharing. Nodding, making eye contact or even adding a “I see” or “sure” lets them know that we are listening, and not about to throw in an unwelcome opinion. Our job as parents here, is to listen and absorb what they are saying without “fixing.” Listening actively and without offering (unwanted) advice can be difficult and takes a good deal of our own inhibition and self-monitoring skills, but when we do it right, we open the door for further communication and collaboration. When our teens feel heard, they feel safe to share what is going on.
Finally, make time for sharing and checking in part of the daily routine. Foster an environment where sharing is normal, through modelling, and welcomed, by creating specific times in the day where you spend time with your adolescent. This can be as simple as requiring everyone in the home to have at least one meal together, or having a cup of tea together before bedtime.
If you would like some more advice on listening to your teen, or getting your teen to open up, please feel free to contact me at headthinker@thinkerkid.com for a time to speak. For a limited time, I am offering a free 30-minute consultation to get you started!
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