Imagine driving a high-powered vehicle with the on-board computer not quite responding quickly enough. You know where you want to go, and how quickly you want to get there, but the warning lights, brake system and steering control are not quite up to scratch. Risky, right? It is not your fault, or the car’s. It is simply a tech issue. Teens will, inevitably, push boundaries or otherwise engage in behaviors that may not serve them in the long term. They have the foot on the accelerator of a powerful vehicle, with none of the safety features activated.
While we strive to open up the channels of communication, and to build stronger connections to our teens, there will be a time that we need to help them course correct. Whether it is small corrections, such as being on time for school or class or larger corrections such as discontinuing risk-taking behavior, there is a large likelihood that you will need to discipline your teen at some point.
How do we do this, without unraveling the work we have put in and potentially alienating our kids even further?
The secret to disciplining teens is to make sure you have a strong connection with them, before attempting to correct them. When they feel heard, they are more likely to listen to us. But that is not where it ends. There are four major keys to correcting teens in a way that allows them to feel heard, seen and respected.
- Praise the good stuff
Most often, what our teens hear from us about themselves is where they are not living up to expectations. While having high expectations is important, it is just as important to acknowledge when they approximate or meet those expectations. If we only focus on the negative stuff, guess what? That is what they will continue to show us. Rather, we should shift the focus to what they are doing well. And simply note it, with a word of appreciation. It does not need to be effusive or over the top – this is guaranteed to earn you an eye-roll. Quietly note exactly what they did well (and please, mom, not in front of my friends!) and praise them for it. Acknowledging what they are doing well boosts not only their self-esteem, but the connection that you have with them – they are hearing gratitude instead of condemnation, and this goes a loooong way.
2. Do not lecture
When you do need to correct, this correction cannot be one-sided. Teens pride themselves on being able to think for themselves and will respond negatively to “laying down the law”. If you want to be heard, hear them out first. Ask, with genuine interest, what is happening with the problem situation – find out their perspective. Keep in mind that there will be parts you disagree with, thanks to life experience, but hear them out fully before jumping in. Remember, we need to connect before we correct. Once we have heard them out, then we can start the process of negotiating and compromising. Keep in mind that a good compromise is one in which both parties are a little dissatisfied. Of course, we do not want to, nor should we compromise on any behavior that puts our teen’s life and well-being at risk.
3. Punishment is not the solution
While punishment may be appropriate at times, the research has also shown that more severe punishment is just as effective as mild punishment. Taking away a privilege for an evening is just as effective as taking the same privilege away for two weeks.
Punishment tends to lessen a behavior in the short term, but often there are not many long-term outcomes. What is necessary to keep in mind, is that unhelpful or challenging behaviors are often the outflow of skill deficits – our teens do the best they can with the skills they have. Thus, rather than relying on punishment to reduce the behavior, or focus should shift to bolstering the skills that are required.
4. Collaborate
As our teens grow and develop, it is important to allow them to exercise their competence, especially with regard to discipline. When the time comes that you need to discipline, often the best way to do so, is to include them in the setting of boundaries and outlining the consequences for pushing these boundaries.
This needs to happen at a time where you are both calm and the challenging situation is not looming over you. Without the tension of the situation or event, both of you are able to speak in a calm and rational manner, without tempers flaring or defenses raised. Approach the subject in an open manner. Bring up the subject, but do so in a curious manner – we want to find out their reasoning behind the situation. Let them know that you are open to listening and collaborating on a solution, but that you would like to know what their point of view is on the topic. This immediately lets them feel heard and respected, which keeps the communication going. Once you have heard them their point of view, you can outline why you are concerned about the behavior. Again, steer clear of lecturing – use a matter of fact tone, and invite them to weigh in on your concerns.
Together, collaborate and compromise on appropriate parameters for the behavior, and the consequences if your teen does not stay within the parameters. This is ideally a negotiation, unless the situation puts your teen’s life at risk. Again, stay open to hearing their side. When teens feel heard, they are less likely to dig in their heels and more likely to work with you to find a solution. As with any compromise, the goal is for both of you to walk away feeling a little dissatisfied. If the time comes that they stray from the boundary, simply enforce the consequences you agreed on. Since they have had a say in the consequence, there is less likely to be foot-stomping, yelling or door slamming.
If you are concerned about the behaviors your teen is engaging in, or having a hard time with discipline, I am here to help! Contact me at headthinker@thinkerkid.com for a time to speak. For a limited time, I am offering a free 30-minute consultation to get you started!
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