Leadership has been discussed over and over again in the professional world, with many blogs, books, podcasts, and courses being dedicated to the subject. In contrast, very few people speak about the importance of being a leader in the parenting relationship. Leadership in the parenting relationship can be even more important than in the professional world since we have unfettered influence over our children. This influence, if not used intentionally, can be and is very often what leads to the trouble in the parent-child relationship when we manage, rather than lead. When managing children, we run the risk of controlling, managing, and undermining our kids through using inappropriate strategies. Let’s outline the differences:
Leading vs. Managing
To put it simplistically, managers are people who control others to accomplish a goal, whereas leaders are people who harness their influence to motivate, guide and mentor another person in order to achieve the goal.
Cooperation vs. Control
When we lack either calm or control, we tend to overcompensate by becoming over-controlling through strategies such as yelling, punishing, and/or micromanaging our children. For example, if our children leave their toys out, we may feel responsible for their lack of responsibility, which starts the ‘you’re a bad parent’ soundtrack on a loop in our heads. On the other hand, we might play the ‘they are a bad kid’ soundtrack – taking the toys on the floor as a personal affront and worrying that this might be who our children will be for the rest of their lives. So, we react by scolding, punishing, or micromanaging by telling them over and over what to do. We are in full “management mode.” Managers tend to focus on the short-term goal of getting the toys picked up.
A calm and confident leader might look at this situation and become curious about it, asking “what do they need to learn about their toys?” or “how can I let them know that their toys need to be picked up?” Leaders prioritize cooperation, focusing on the skills and characteristics a child needs in order to attain the greater goal of raising independent, responsible adults. The question is not “what can I do to my child to teach them responsibility?”, but rather “what can I do with my child to guide them towards responsibility?” The distinction is subtle, but critical. In the leadership mindset, we aren’t labelling or assigning blame, instead looking towards a solution that will achieve both the short- and long-term outcomes.
Bridging the gap between leadership requires calmness, confidence, and connection.
Calm vs. Chaos
In order to influence, rather than control children, there needs to be an emphasis on calmness. No one is willing or able to cooperate with someone when they are trying to protect themselves from blame and shame, which excessive control invites. Think about a time where you were either fearful or resentful of an authority figure. Where you able to take guidance from them and learn from their influence? Cooperation and learning can only come from a place of peace, trust, and patience on a consistent basis. When children see us as a safe space, where challenges and corrections are done in a calm and respectful manner, the learning goes so much deeper.
Confidence vs. Insecurity
At the same time, confidence is essential in order to exercise influence over our children in constructive and empowering ways. Have you ever driven with a driver who is nervous and lacked confidence? How did you feel sitting next to them? When we view ourselves as capable, and competent, our children sense this and find comfort in our confidence. In order to build confidence as parents we need information, skills, support, and self-awareness. Having information and learning the skills to parent effectively builds that confidence from the inside, guiding us and our children towards success. As we feel successful, we gain confidence, and as we become more confident, we experience more success. Support can help us gain confidence from the outside in, giving us a place to find care and encouragement when we experience the inevitable challenges of life. Finally, self-awareness is essential in order to recognize when we are falling into “management mode” and take the steps towards getting back into the leadership mindset.
Connection vs. Dissonance
The final pillar of leading children successfully is connection. Connection goes deeper than just hugs and kisses and spending a little time with our children every day. When we are truly connected, we are able to become emotionally attuned to our children’s needs, development and character and teach them the value of empathy, cooperation, and reciprocity, through modelling these characteristics during times of connection. In contrast, when we manage children, we can easily become dissonant, missing the underlying emotional messages in both our children’s words and their behavior, and responding to only our perception of the situation. Connected parents are attuned to their children’s feelings, needs, attitudes and mindsets and use this attunement to influence and guide them in empowering ways. This, in turn, influences children to cooperate and work with us to solve the problem.
When we strive to influence, rather than control; guide rather than micromanage; and motivate rather than command our children, our efficacy improves ten-fold!
ThinkerBlog 