Have you ever stopped to consider why having a child whom others think of as “nice” is so important to us as parents? I’m almost 100% sure that every parent wants to raise a child that is described as “nice” – kind, compassionate, putting others’ needs ahead of their own, well-mannered, and generally liked. The problem is that we often conflate being “nice” with being “kind.” This is an easy mistake to make, since the two share so many characteristics, however, there is an important distinction. If we consider the dictionary definition of nice, we come up with the following:
“Giving pleasure or satisfaction; pleasant or attractive.” – Oxford Dictionary
At face value, this is a “nice” definition, outlining the traits we would like our children to have. The problem only really becomes clear when we compare it to the definition of “kind”:
“Having or showing a friendly, generous, and considerate nature.” – Oxford Dictionary
Did you notice the distinction? It is quite subtle. Niceness is all about impression management – specifically about being perceived as “pleasant” or “attractive.” It has truly little to do with the character of the person being described and is based on superficial impressions created through being “nice.” In contrast, “kindness” speaks to the nature of the person, where benevolence can be seen as the driving factor. It is clear then, that one can be nice without being kind and vice versa.
The motivation behind the act plays a significant role in determining whether someone is nice or kind. For example, paying for a friend’s coffee can be considered both nice and kind until we check under the hood. If we are motivated to pay for the friend’s coffee in order to create a favorable impression (and perhaps so that the favor can be returned someday), we are being nice. On the other hand, if we pay for our friend’s coffee with the intention of treating them and expecting nothing in return, we are offering them a kindness.
Often, our focus is on teaching our children to be nice with the aim of managing others’ perceptions – the look of approval and general positive regard. This helps us feel as though we have achieved the proverbial “good parent” badge. This is problematic for several reasons:
- Being “nice” is about managing others’ perceptions, rather than a genuine regard for others
I was completing a course presented by Lynn Lott when I came to the powerful realization about people pleasing – people pleasers tend to use their pleasing as a way to control others’ behavior and perceptions. This is not true for every pleaser, but have you ever considered the “why” behind bending over backwards for someone you don’t even like or care for all that much? If we ran a poll, I’m fairly sure most people would say that they fear what others would think of them if they responded authentically to requests and demands. If we said “no, I’d rather not” to an invitation, the fear could be that I would be perceived as uncaring, or unhelpful, or not nice. This can be scary due to the possible impact it can have on our social relationships.
We perpetuate this fear when it comes to parenting – after all, we don’t want our children to not be nice, since it could impact their peer- and teacher relationships negatively. So, we prompt our children to be nice, by saying things like “that’s not nice”, or “be nice to Billy” or even “nice kids don’t talk like that,” in an attempt to shape and mold our little ones’ behavior. Instead of learning kindness, they learn that in order to be acceptable to others, they must be perceived as nice.
- Being “nice” teaches children that others’ feelings and needs are more important than their own
Adults tend to mistakenly believe that they can prompt children to be nice by asking them to share, to greet others, to do for others when their own needs haven’t been met. For a child, this is a double-edged sword – they can assert themselves and get their needs met, and face the censure of their parents and peers, or they can forego their own needs and desires for the sake of being seen as a good kid. Since children will do almost anything to keep their parents’ favor, guess which one wins?
One of the best examples is when we teach children to share. We want to raise good kids, and one of the “hallmarks” of the good child is that they share willingly. So, if a friend asks to play with our little one’s brand new special toy given to them by a special person and they refuse, we often urge them to share, even though we know how much that toy means to them.Through repeated practice, children receive the message that how they feel, and what they want is less important than the feelings and regard of others. They learn that in order to be liked, they need to place the comfort and happiness of others above their own, even if this may be disrespectful of themselves and creates inauthenticity.
- Being “nice” is often fear-based
I often find myself in conversation with my female friends who struggle to express their wants and needs for fear of being perceived as “not nice.” For much of their formative years, they have been taught to deny themselves and say “yes” – even if it means inconveniencing themselves, making themselves uncomfortable,
Conditioning is powerful, and when children receive the same messages over and over, with the unspoken implication of “be nice or else they won’t like you,” they internalize this belief that in order to be “good enough,” they must be do, and sacrifice for others. Since all people have this innate drive to belong and feel significant, it becomes difficult to make decisions and act in a way that may threaten our sense of belonging and significance. This can be seen in the myriads of adults struggling with the pleasing disease – the inability to say no, even when it comes at great cost to themselves.
Here is the crux of the matter: by teaching children to be nice, without considering what “nice” entails both in the short term (impression management) or in the long term (negating our needs for the comfort and happiness of others), we teach our children that authenticity does not matter, so long as people like you. More and more adults I come across struggle with exactly this – how to be authentically themselves – while still being acceptable to others.
You have to be kind, but you don’t have to be nice.
Going back to the definitions, it is clear that the intent behind the act is the defining factor when deciding if we are teaching our children to be nice, or to be kind. To illustrate, here is an example of being kind, without being nice:
You are having a really tough day, struggling with a headache, an overflowing inbox, and a headstrong toddler that you are trying to wrestle into their car seat. An acquaintance calls to ask you if you could do them a favor that would take several hours and is quite a few kilometers out of your way.
The nice thing to do would be to say “sure,” while resenting the request.
The kind thing would be to say, “that sounds really important to you, but I’m afraid it is just not in my capacity to do today.”
It sounds like a roundabout way to say “no,” but what is important to recognize here is that the request was validated respectfully, and denied respectfully without offering an excuse or coming up with a reason that you can’t do it. It is also respectful to yourself, by not adding more things to your current load.
Furthermore, it is important to note that feelings of guilt might arise – flipping the switch from being nice to being kind is not automatic, it takes repeated practice to become comfortable with putting yourself first. One of the ways we can assuage these feelings is to interrogate the intention behind the response. If our reaction is “they will think I’m a bad friend” then our intention behind doing them the favor is not to help them, but to keep us in their good graces. This is not kindness – not to your friend, and certainly not to yourself. Similarly, if we feel the urge to prompt our little one to do the nice thing, we should consider the motivation behind this urge. If it is to create a favorable impression in the peer (or their parent), it is best to take a step back.
Kindness comes from the motivation to improve someone else’s comfort or happiness without gaining anything in return. We want our children to be kind. How do we teach kindness without falling into the “nice” trap?
Firstly, we need to persistently, and relentlessly model kindness. By this, I am not only referring to the act itself, since this is so easily conflated with being nice, but rather the conversations we have around the motivation for the act. For example, “someday he will do the same for me” seems innocuous, but the message that the child receives is that we should do for others so that they may do for us. This is not the spirit of kindness – it is niceness dressed up. Rather, the conversation could sound like “I bet he had a hard day, and this might help him feel better.” There is no expectation that this person must perceive us in a certain way or return the deed in any form. It is kindness purely for kindness’ sake.
Secondly, ban unkind things in your home. From sarcasm, put-downs and name calling to invalidating or dismissing feelings, comparison, exclusivity and secrets, unkind behavior can easily sneak in. By becoming aware of unkind behaviors, and systematically weeding them out, kindness has a foothold in your home and easily transfers to the world outside. It also gives children the tools to recognize when someone is being unkind, and to whom the fault belongs.
Thirdly, make kindness part of your everyday life. Volunteer as a family, read books about kindness, have kindness challenges such as these, and talk about kindness without lecturing. When kids are surrounded by kindness from all angles, it becomes normalized and instinctive – kindness becomes woven into the fabric of their character.
Lastly, as far as possible avoid prompting children to be nice. This is easier said than done, especially when the world expects our children to be “nice.” Teach your children to:
- Identify when they are feeling pressure to do something
- Figure out the motivation behind the pressure
- Know how to be kind, without being nice; for example, declining a request to share or do something that is not in line with their needs and values in a kind manner
- Know the right thing to do but check their motivation for doing so. Are they doing it because it is the right thing to do, or are they doing it to win favor?
Beating the disease to please is difficult, and for us who have been conditioned to be “nice” it will require a strong backbone. However, if our goal is to raise children who are authentic and kind, and able to recognize and advocate for themselves, it is necessary to stare down the people who might expect us to teach our kids to be nice. Trust me when I say – your children will thank you (kindly) one day.
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